Difficult Days

I am grateful for frustrating difficult days, after a bout of complaining that is.

They push me out my comfort zone, engage passionate debate, intentional action and motivates change, in order create pockets of excellence and growth. Or maturation as my mother likes to say.

I allow the frustrating moments to happen once, then I need to do something about it or stop complaining.

Complaining without action is clutter resulting in complacency.

Frustration without focus is stagnation resulting in disengagement.

Turn the Negative ranting energy into motivation for improvement or turn away.

Mood. Tired. Tooth. Timings. Myth.

Mood

Yesterday I was a moody, short- tempered bitch. All the “little things” that don’t usually bug me, really annoyed me yesterday. But!!!!! But it was only a day. A brief blip in the bigger scheme of things.

Why did the little things feel like big ass gigantic pain in the arse type things?

Tired

I’ve been sleeping but I think I’m still playing catchup on the NYC trip. (More about that another time. I’m still digesting the enormity of the experience) The kids have taken to sleeping in my bed from bedtime. Kids. With an “s”. Plural.

Tooth

Ava has been alternating her “allergy/ this time of year induced midnight coughing fits (where a different remedy seems to do the trick each time), with a nose bleed, a sore tummy and then her first tooth fell out.

When you are tired your resistance is lowered. When you are tired the little things irritate you. When you are tired you can’t make good decisions.

Timings

Aiden’s Broadway show week. It’s awesome and fun and exciting for him. It’s a scheduling nightmare for me. The kids are allowed (or rather encouraged) to arrive late to school, and they finish early with no after school sports (hello… help.. hyper kid, small house, bouncing off walls). He needs to be rested, fed and dressed with a white collared shirt. A clean white coloured shirt with makeup on and at school by 5. Then collected from the classroom by 7.30. (Which is supposed to be Ava’s bedtime)

What this means is that Ava needs to be school by 8. Aiden at 9. Me technically at 8.30 but 24/7 would be more accurate. Aiden needs to be collected at 1. I send Jean on foot. Aiden complains but still, at least it’s some way to expelling some energy. And sunlight exposure.

I pull a Mother Hubbard stint and try leave work at 4, be at Ava’s school at 3.45 and home by 3.30. because Aiden wants me to put the makeup on and drop him at school. I know I’m late before I’ve left. Apologies is how I start every whatsapp message. Then when we are all back home after 7.30 the fun and games begin. No I mean literal fun and games.

Aiden is on a post-play high and Ava wants to rein-act the entire play. Scene by scene.

8.30 comes and goes.
My sense of humour goes.

It’s after 9 by the time we are all crammed into my bed, me in the middle so I can’t stick a foot out of the duvet for temperature control.

Tickle me.
No tickle me first.
Can I hold your hand?
No I want to hold your hand.
Shhhh.
No you shhhh.
Stop taking all the duvet.
I’m noooooot.

Myth

Of course this work week is flat out ridiculous too. I’m still catching up on the 4 work days I missed even though I worked until stupid o clock the week before I left. The only conclusion I can draw is that my “daily” work load doesn’t actually fit into a work day. Not all emails carry the same time and effort weighting. Catching up on work post-holiday is like trying to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

A myth.

I’m starting to wonder if my daily life also doesn’t actually fit into a day, that not all tasks carry the same time/effort weighting, and that waiting for a “normal” week is also a myth.


Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

The secret to life

The secret to life

Yup I have figured it out. Bold I know. And it’s awesome.

Now before I spill the beans…

I don’t want to come across all righteous and bitchy or full of myself. Well not today in any case. I am a Leo. It’s written in the stars that the world revolves around me the sun. I don’t want you to think that I’m too big for my boots, that I’m better than the next person or that I’ve put myself on a pedestal. I hope you don’t think that I am egotistical or know all the answers. No no no. I’ll dim my bright idea light so that it doesn’t blind anyone else.

Gosh all those judging eyes, watching, waiting for me to fall, mess up or even worse, point out a typo. (A side note. Mediocrity always attacks success)

What if I’m wrong? What if I misunderstood all of this and it’s not the secret? What if I make a complete fool of myself? I’ll be so embarrassed. I’ll be humiliated. Even if there is no right or wrong answer I know I’ll pick the wrong one. That’s life. I’ll fail. My life as I know it will be over.

Maybe I should say I-think-I may-have-possibly- sort-of-worked-out-a-way-to-make-life-happen for-me-at-this-stage-but-it-could-be-subject-to change-and-has-terms-and-conditions. Read-the-small-print. That should cover me while I sit on the fence, observing and keeping my thoughts vague and ambiguous just in case I need to flip flop depending on the mood in the room or if the other person has a louder more correct theory, if I want to be liked and accepted.

What happens if I offend someone, inadvertently of course? What if me speaking my mind makes someone else feel uncomfortable? Worst still, what if it hurts someone? Flip… Suzie could well think this is all about her and I could make her feel inadequate, unaccomplished, insignificant? Who wants that kind of guilt and shame on their hands? Not me.

You know what? Maybe it’s not worth it? Maybe I should keep quiet, for everyone’s sake, especially Suzie. I want Suzie to like me. She won’t if I do this. I want those strangers on the internet to think I’m kind and humble and gracious. Who doesn’t? I think I’ll just play it safe. Keep on the straight and narrow. Stay in my lane. Not rock the boat. Avoid conflict. Avoid confrontation. Plodding along, not upsetting people but trying to please them at the same time. That will work? That’s do-able, right?

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and strangers’ opinions right there in the epicentre of your self worth.

Isn’t that how the saying goes?

Or? Maybe, just maybe … wait hear me out for a second…

Stop letting other people’s opinions and judgements of you hold you back.

You love watching series TV, so much so that you even have ideas for your own show but worried others might think it’s lame?

You want to be a dancer even though you are a middle aged single mother and it’s not like you could make a living from it now so why bother?

You love writing and wish you could write a novel one day but maybe your writing sux and who would want to read it anyway?

You want to be your own boss but running a company is not something you have experience in. Maybe entrepreneurship doesn’t exactly run in the family and your life will be ruined if you fail? Oh and it’s scary as shit and way more work than you have time or ability to commit to?

Obviously these are all random examples.

In the very apt and succinct words of the famous Alecia Beth Moore,

SO, SO WHAT?

Stop letting other people’s opinions and judgements of you hold you back.

Stop letting your self doubt and people-pleasing tendencies hold you back

Stop letting perfectionism and fear of failure hold you back.

The small print

There is always a but people!

Yes anything is possible but as long as your intentions are in the right place and you have a plan. If you think spending 8 hours a day on the couch watching tv is going to pay your rent or your kids school fees then you are delusional. But maybe with the right focus and effort and consistency, along with some training in tv production, interning at a studio some weekends, getting up at 4.30am every morning learning how to write a screenplay etc.. then those actions could result in you producing and directing a series for the next Netflix and bankrolling your Kardashian-esque life.

Maybe you don’t make a career out of exercising or running marathons but it’s a hobby you love and it makes you happy and healthier, it fills your cup, so that’s a good enough reason right there to do it.

I’m trying to encourage this kind of mindset in my kids. I think this should be taught at school. Last night, like every night during the homework fight, Aiden says

I suck, I’m stupid, I’ll never know this stuff” or “I’m not going to win the challenge, I’ll come last.”

It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

My boy if you think you are going to come last, then you probably will. If you think you will come first, there’s a good chance you will.”

Aiden “oh oh really???? Really? So if I think I’ll go to space on a rocket ship then I can click my fingers and it will just happen??? Really? Look look am in space yet???”

Insert like a gazillion eye rolls and I’m pretty sure I heard one of those obnoxious click sounds. I have no idea where he gets his sarcasm from. I must look into that.

“Nope. Of course not. It’s not going to fall into your lap. It doesn’t work like that. But if you want to go to space, then you know where you want to be. You just left out some steps.

Learn. Study. Go to astronaut school so you can fly a rocket ship.”

Listen by this stage it was 7pm. “We” were still on homework task one, “we” were talking very loudly as “we” are trying not to shout and that’s the best I could muster up in my blind rage passionate parenting coming from a place of love and caring. (I’ll talk about reframing another time)

Funny thing is, Mr obnoxious, cheeky “I have a retort for everything my mother says” was silent, for a few seconds. He didn’t have a smart- ass comeback. He had a look on his face that kind of said

Oh, right, ja, ok. That makes sense. So that’s how it’s done?”

See, the secret to life.

Well, at least that’s what I’m hoping.