Beautiful, Broken but not beaten

This week has been surreal and traumatic on a level that cannot be comprehended, nor articulated and the effects of which have not yet even begun to sink in.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel bouts of disassociation or depersonalisation.
That feeling where you feel like you are not actually in your own life.
That feeling of living in a dream (or a nightmare as the case may be)
That feeling of being cut off from yourself and others.
That feeling of numbness to what is going on around you.

Traumatic events can often cause this, and for someone like me who feels and absorbs others emotions, feelings and vibrations, this week has been a catastrophic sensory assault on all fronts. From the barrage and intensity of visual and auditory messages and notifications to neighbourhood watch meetings, gun shots, helicopters, whatsapp groups created to source basic food items, and discussions about bulk buying for distribution, convoys and contingency plans for the next few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months… dare I say.. years?

It’s actually quite easy to disconnect when you are standing around with your neighbours who are manning the complex entrance dressed like GI Joe, discussing attack options, and evacuation plans. Aiden happen to come out the house to find me and see all this and so when I told him we had all just finished up a game of paintball, he didn’t hesitate to believe me. I told him that’s what happens when you are holed up in your room all day buddy. 😱

Yesterday morning I had to find a car key, a remote, and my courage to get in a car and drive out to avoid getting stuck in my own personal anxiety loop of being too afraid to leave my house.

Driving through Hillcrest town centre and seeing with my own eyes the debris and marks on the roads from blockades, the armed security at the petrol stations, and the rows of cars taking up the length and breath of Old Main Road – felt again like I was on a movie set. The brave residents standing in the cold, bright light in lines snaking for miles was a sight I could never have imagined, not in my world, not in my life, not right in front of me.

These are all sights that belong in movies or on news reports or in articles about somewhere else, happening to someone else. I guess that is why feel like it’s a movie. We watch movies to escape reality.

I think these feelings I have been experiencing this week, or should I say the lack thereof, is our mind and body’s way to protect us. If I was able to fully absorb it all, I’d be an absolute, complete and utter wreck. But I know I need to show up for my children. I need to create calm out of the chaos, comfort out of this crises, and so perhaps the mundane mommy things of making beds and breakfast is my saving grace.

Last night Ava said to me at bedtime “Mom I’m sooo excited for tomorrow!!”
I said to her that we don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.

Ava “Exactly Mom, that’s why I’m excited.”

♥️♥️♥️