Firstly I must apologise for the array of spam like emails that found their way into my respected and dearly appreciated subscribers inbox last Friday. I was hoping to very quietly and inconspicuously upload my “Hitting the wall series” to my blog so that it was part of my writing collection for reference but I didn’t want to actively publicise it. I just wanted to slip it in surreptitiously. I thought I had turned off the notifications but evidently I didn’t.
I wrote that piece sitting on the couch, in one go, in January 2019 after experiencing one of the hardest seasons of my life, and, if I’m honest, which I always am when I write, I didn’t start to fully recover until much later that year. Just as burnout doesn’t happen overnight, neither does recovery.
I’ve always stated that writing is my therapy but for the past two and a half years it did sit somewhat uncomfortably with me that even though I pride myself on being open, honest and real, I kept some of my most important and intense pieces of personal reflection out of my writing journey.
I think that at the time I felt ashamed, scared, shy, and held on to those seven pages as some sort of dark secret.
Today I feel different. So my second apology is for not confidently sharing my story, and this blog is to rectify that. You can read it here
I look back on those pages and I am grateful.
I am grateful I captured the details and thoughts during that season, just as they were, just as they poured out, unfiltered, in my own quirky way. Looking back on it, it helped me to see the warning signs, explained what was going on inside my head, and for those of you that do know me, especially at that time of my life, it was probably a bit of a shock to read and digest. That is why I decided to share it. It might help explain, at least in my case, how burnout manifested itself.
I am grateful I can read it now with the awareness that burnout/breakdown / feeling broken was something that I experienced. It was not who I am. It is not who I am. It does not define me. I am able to step back, appreciate it, understand it, but I don’t live there in it. Most importantly I am no longer ashamed of what I had experienced. No one should. Ever. That is another reason why I decided to share it.
I have not written much this year as I realised that I’m a bit of a fair weather writer, in that I write only when the conditions suit me to do so. In other words, when things are not going well for me in life. However, now that I have acknowledged that little insight, it seems to have dislodged the block that was in my way. I have missed writing. A lot.
Going forward, I’m going to try and not just be a fair weather writer.
In pursuit of the perfectly imperfect life..