Retirement Reality, Really?

Dear Facebook,

I thought you “got” me. I thought you knew my wants and needs. I expected this of you. No longer do I need to search for stuff. The stuff – be it shoes or how to be a better parent or fabulous wrap dresses, just appears in my feed.

However I am upset with you this morning.

Now I’m still not 100% sure on how you gather your intel. Google, fb, whatsapp aside there are some things that are just spoken and yet still you just seem to know. We have an experiment going on at the office where we just talk about a topic to each other and no mention about it online or on phones and see if we get served up a related advert. One topic was an all inclusive cruise around the Mediterranean. A few days later I saw a sponsored advert for Club Med. close?

But every now and then you get it wrong. Very wrong. I would go so far as to say you F&£!ed up.

Case in point below…

Ok yes I may have entered Noordhoek into my maps for a visit there the other weekend. And yes I attended an Alexander Forbes financial wellness workshop at work and the advisor used my laptop to do a retirement projection. So yes I get it. I can see how you joined the dots.

But what you didn’t factor in is that my poor advisor looked a little nervous and perplexed as she crunched the numbers.

“Um ok, I must have entered something wrong here”, she mutters, as the result showed that unless I plough 60% of my salary into my pension I ain’t retiring on my “current” salary. And worse is that it’s based on 75% of my salary as it is generally assumed my (non existent) bond would be paid up by then and, AND.. she had upped my retirement age to 65 not 55 like I had hoped. 😱

“Ok well you can’t do that” she mutters again. “Let me rework the figures.”

Really? Ya think? Are you serious?

I am all for future planning and perhaps I got it wrong or she didn’t factor in some other things but what about living in the present. Living in the moment? Where is the balance? What’s the point of living on bread with no butter (butter is clearly for those whose retirement is sorted) and having no experiences in order to live it up when you are in the tail end of life. Who knows, maybe I won’t be able to even butter my bread, or walk without something rattling and squeaking? Perhaps the point of working is to afford to look after kids then later on afford for someone to look after you? My kids will probably be jolling in some far flung country and wouldn’t want to help me to the bathroom in any case.

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong? Maybe I am meant to only travel in luxury with my Louis Vuitton matching luggage set and be dripping in diamonds and expensive perfume in my golden years? Hopefully silver grey hair colour will still be a fashionable.

When I saw this photo in a magazine the other day I said then and there that when I am that age, I want to be as glamorous as Jackie Burger, wearing leopard print heels. In that case maybe I best downscale? The kids and I can share a room? Heck the way we live these days we just need a studio cottage with fibre, a set of earphones each and a swimming pool – heated – it must be heated so that may add a few years onto my retirement age.

In all seriousness though, is building up a big pension still required in this millennial age? Are Bricks and Mortar still the best option? My bitcoin retirement plan went to shit. I am pretty sure the Luno app says I now owe them money it’s gone that bad. Maybe I should invest more time and energy and money in my writing? So many people’s side-hussle ends up being their bread and butter if … and only IF they are intentional about it and give it the focus it requires.

I’m really asking here? Any thoughts?

Perhaps any real financial planning gurus out there can point me in the right direction? Bearing in mind that between tax and the proposed pension contributions I think I have about 2% income left.

In the meantime, dear Facebook, thank you for showing me a lovely retirement village option in beautiful Noordhoek at the ripe old age of 38 having just found out there is no ways I’d ever be able to afford it. You suck.

Sorry I stand corrected, it is a stress free retirement opportunity because here is the reality – retirement is not the stressful part, it’s the 45 odd years you have to make enough money to live in the present and to be able to live in the future and for some of us unfortunate folk, to afford for our parents to live too!

All this retirement talk has stressed me out. Think I’ll order sushi and plan a weekend getaway. So what if I only retire at 80.